Late
It’s much too late. Normally I would have fallen into bed hours ago, exhausted and barely functioning, but now I’m wide awake with horrible thoughts, thoughts that have been creeping up on me the past few days but now are exploding. Thoughts of self destruction and suicide. And it’s not so bad, my life’s not bad, so everyone always tells me, but I’m overwhelmed, I can’t do this, I don’t want to do this anymore, and I can’t get anyone to understand, and I know that I’m selfish, and I know that I’m a quitter, but I’m just done, I don’t want to go on.
I know my family loves me. I know I have so much to live for. I’m tired of hearing it. I’m tired of having so much to lose because it just makes everything that much harder and I don’t want to be strong anymore. I’m so tired of being strong. I’m so tired.
And even when it gets better, even when I can convince myself that it’s going to be okay, it’ll work out, the nagging thoughts won’t go away now, it’s the obsession, they’re stuck in my brain, popcorn kernel in your tooth that you just can’t pick out for days, and I just want to, I just want to, I just want to hurt, I just want to die, I want to fuck my life up so people will stop telling me how good I have things.
I don’t know what to do. I’m tired of counting stars.
