It’s okay
I have a bad memory, so I can’t remember if I’ve always had a bad grasp on time, or if it’s just a recent thing. I think it’s because I’ve been feeling so overwhelmed by things; it feels like time is simultaneously racing and standing still. It feels like forever ago that I went into the psychiatric hospital but it’s only been a month. I can’t believe the year is halfway over.
I don’t think I realize how hectic May and June were for me. I think I still need to come to terms with it. It’s funny, at my therapy sessions I would always talk about how I was feeling, but I never really talked about why. I don’t think it even occurred to me, as silly as it sounds, that my falling apart was being caused by something. Because I just assume that I should be able to deal with it. That other people can deal with it, and my inability to handle the turmoil without falling apart meant that something was wrong with me.
I’m moving next week. It’s been a complicated process that involved me suddenly being told I had to be out of my apartment a month before my lease was up, right in the middle of a planned vacation — of not only being told I had to move, but being in charge of finding my replacement. And in the meantime, I didn’t know when my replacement would be moving in (because I hadn’t found them yet) so I couldn’t place a deposit on a new apartment, because I didn’t know my move in date. I finally found a new renter, and finally found a new apartment, but now had to deal with packing to move while also starting night classes, filing for financial aid and preparing to start school full time in the fall. As I became increasingly stressed, my productivity at work decreased, while my workload increased as a coworker suddenly departed. The office is facing budget cuts right as I’m trying to put down a down payment and first months rent for my new apartment, plus pay for my night classes (not to mention textbooks); pay off my bills for the hospital stay, medicine and therapy treatments; and vet bills for a chronically ill pet (who has to be bathed and medicated twice daily, and will soon be undergoing surgery).
And despite all this I seemed convinced that all of my sudden anxiety, my exhaustion, my random bouts of crying, was due to my medicine or my worsening condition. It didn’t even occur to me that it could be situational. I had blinders on. I was so caught up in my mental illness that I didn’t even realize that anyone would be stressed over the things I’m dealing with. Actually, really, listing it all out now is quite therapeutic because I’m realizing, it’s okay. It’s okay that I freaked out. And it’s going to be okay. Because soon all the moving hassle is going to be over with. I’m taking the week off work to deal with it, and to just unwind from everything, and it’s going to be okay. My mother is going to help me with finances, and I should be getting financial aid soon.
It’s okay. I’m going to be okay.
I have 81 stars.
